Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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