Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
