508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
