My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
