"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
