thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
