he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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