i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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