naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
