I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
