Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
