He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
