Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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