Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
