Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize