Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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