it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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