he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
