im about as happy as oj after his trial
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize