Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
