Where is the hickey?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
