when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
