Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
