Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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