Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
