What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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