The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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