Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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