Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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