the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
