you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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