I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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