big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
