DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
