It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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