I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We don't watch enough power rangers
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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