so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
