i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
