Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
