my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
