He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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