Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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