You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
