u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she was so not down for the gang bang
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize