in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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