I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
