rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
