Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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