I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
