just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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