My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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