addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
