First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
