well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
