you have to choose: penises or morals?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
