Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
