I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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